( ENSPIRE She Did That ) An Advice Column Dedicated to Pushing and Elevating Women of All Ages
ENSPIRE Contributor: Sabrina Espere
Hi there Ladies! This is your ENSPIRE Magazine “Women’s Empowerment Coach”, Sabrina Espere. So, the questions in this issue are a little bit intimate but are so relevant to many women today. Do you have any questions or topic suggestions? Email us at [email protected].
“I am a 38 year old, professional, Black Entrepreneur. I have never been married; am still single and I don’t have any kids. I am conflicted between whether I should focus on finding “Mr. Right” and build a good relationship or if I should just go for it and get pregnant before it’s too late.”
I do understand your concern about getting older and not being able to get pregnant. I also understand wanting a “family”—meaning, having a wonderful relationship with a partner and THEN have children. Well, look, sometimes life doesn’t look exactly how we imagined it when we were little girls, but it can still be just as wonderful if not more.
Many women are getting pregnant later and later in age (40’s and even 50’s) due to wanting to achieve a certain amount of success and stability. They work hard to establish themselves in their careers or achieve a very comfortable financial status before even thinking about becoming pregnant. For some, they want to attain a certain type of relationship—different from their dating relationships. Something substantial. They will look for a partner to settle down with who is on the same page as them or even a best friend.
The truth is this. Whether we like it or not, there is a reality in waiting. Women over a certain age do fall into the category of high risk. But, the high risk doesn’t mean impossible. This is what I like to call “taking chances.” Thankfully, with modern technology and even amazing doula services, Black women have safer deliveries—even in their 40’s and 50’s.
On the flip side, there are alternatives such as artificial insemination and even co-parenting—if you want to take a leap and become a “momma” sooner than later. Some women found freedom in this alternative and felt great about forming their futures—with or without a mate. In choosing these alternatives, you can choose. Down to what color eyes and hair the donor has, as well as background, educational level, and even race.
Can you find a relationship as a single parent? Of course, you can! There are plenty of singles who already have children and would love a blended family. There are also singles who haven’t had children and wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with someone who does. The choice is completely yours. Do what is best for you. Do what makes you happy.
“I have been divorced for a year and am now ready to put myself back out there. Now that I am single, I want to explore, be free, and see what I like and don’t like. I am thinking I want to explore with another woman but not get into anything hot and heavy because I do believe I am heterosexual. What do I do?
Well, for starters, I will always say, “You must be safe.” Whether or not you choose to share your “loving bed” with a male or female partner, you must be safe. Yes, I took that straight out of Spike Lee’s, “She’s Gotta Have It!”
STDs and, most importantly, emotional attachments are real. Sometimes, emotional attachments are far worse than STD’s, causing a lot of confusion, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even hurt people.
Now that I stated my disclaimer, let’s get to your question. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to explore, however, the best thing you can do for yourself and others is to be straight up and honest about your status, what you are looking for, and what you desire.
Many people do not know how to separate being explorative from being attached. If you are unsure about what you are looking for, say it! It will allow the person to make up their mind if they want to explore with you or not. If all you want is sex, please be honest and say that—upfront.
Most of all, let your words match your actions. If you begin to develop feelings, let the person know that your “intention” is changing. If they begin to develop feelings, don’t use them for sex, but be honest and say that your “intention” has not changed. Honesty is always the best policy. Good luck, Sis!
